Monday, February 07, 2005

Penicillin, worth the hassle?

I really don't know how it came about, but I found myself inspecting the instructions on a packet of Penicillin.Then, I came to the side effects section.Unbelievable.

• If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking penicillin V and seek emergency medical attention:
*an allergic reaction (shortness of breath; closing of your throat; hives; swelling of your lips, face, or tongue; rash; or fainting)
*seizures
*severe watery diarrhea and abdominal cramps; or
*unusual bleeding or bruising.

• Other, less serious side effects may be more likely to occur. Continue to take penicillin V and talk to your doctor if you experience:
*mild nausea
*vomiting
*diarrhea
*abdominal pain;
*white patches on the tongue
*itching or discharge of the vagina (vaginal yeast infection)
*black,hairy tongue ( what the fuck??????????)
*sore mouth or tongue.
*death (If it occurs please seek immediate medical attention,OK,I added this one but if you are stuck with a black hairy fucking tongue,would you want to live?)

• Side effects other than those listed here may also occur (There are more?). Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.


Erm, I will stick with Syphillis,thank you very much.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I am a Maori

Date:Rahoroi, 5 o Hui Tanguru i te tau 2005 te ra

I was a sad child.I felt like I had nobody I could truly relate to or even talk to so it is little surprise that for all of my life I have felt out of place.I only wanted to find a person,just ONE person who could make me feel desirable and appreciated.

One day,I was at school in history class with the rest of my classmates.We were studying the native tribe of New Zealand,the Maoris.Our teacher gave us the pleasure of watching a video which enlighted us about their homeland, customs and traditions.At a certain point in the video,there was a screenshot of a towering,butch,intimidating beast of a man.One of my classmates shouted aloud,"Kiri,he looks like you!" From that point on,I felt like I had finally found my soul.

Come on,all of the signs were just blatant.I dont know why I didn't notice them prior to this incident:I have black hair,so do Maoris!I have a tan,so do Maoris!Come on,did I really need any more evidence?To anyone with half a brain...it was obvious.

I will always remember that day when I found out that my forename is actually of Maori origin,my body swelled with a feeling of exhuberance.My smile beamed from ear to ear and to be brutally honest,i was proud.For the first time in my life I felt alive,free and I felt like I fitted in.

However it wasn't actually all happy memories,you know.After discovering my true roots,I made a long haul trip to New Zealand where I was rejected of a NZ Maori nationality with the shit poor excuse that I am a British Caucasion.I have Maori roots you fucks.My name,Kiri Smith is Maori.
It was then I realised just how hard it is being a Maori.My tribal brothers and I are subject to a disgraceful quantity of racism.I was even arrested once,you know*.We all know that this occurred because of my skin colour and ethnic background,fucking racist bastards.

Here I am at the NZ International Customs Control:

I will return to NZ one day.I am very prepared actually.I have been to the Social Security office in the UK have my name changed by deed poll.I now go by the name of Kiri Te Waka Mahauariki.

I am currently studying the Maori language so I can communicate with my fellow tribal comrades.I have learned the Haka dance too,which I practise at various rubgy events around the UK.Unfortunately,I believe I am the only true Maori amongst the British people so when they violently yell 'get off the fucking pitch you retarded bitch' I understand where they are coming from. Oh well,the doctor says that the internal bleeding surrounding my spleen should stop within a few months.

Anyway,I am fully prepared for my next visit to NZ where hopefully I will be granted a Maori passport.I am the proudest Maori female ever to step foot on this earth.I have already had my passport photo taken ready for when they accept me:


For all of you Maori haters out there here is a little message for you racist bastards:
HOATU HE TINO PAI NANEKOTI AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Fuck off.You are big fat goats arses!)

Maori Pride World Wide!
Miss Kiri Te Waka Mahauariki Smith

*Since when has performing the Haka,naked,with a bow and arrow been a violation of public health and safety??????

Sonnet for Vegetarians

Don't you hate hypocritical fools?Those who criticise you for your beliefs and then preach half heartedly their moralistic values?

Vegetarians,I fucking hate them.ALL of them.It's kind of a big generalisation to make but who really gives a shit? They waffle on about the slaughtering of animals for our own pleasure,we really shouldn't eat them because we are harming God's innocent creatures when we have other options. Who the fuck cares you wankers?Have you ever studied the food chain?Humans are carnivores (meat-eaters for the less brighter of you) we eat meat,it's natural...Try telling this to a vegetarian,it's pointless as they have some pre planned weak excuse at the ready.

Now I have a dedication for each of the vegetarian denominations,the Lacto-ovo-vegetarians first.These are the fucks who exclude meat,fish and poultry yet they eat dairy products.Do they have any fucking idea the pain a cow gows through just to extract a pint of milk from it???They are purposely and repeatedly impregnated for the milk and then they have heavy machinery attached to them to get their milk.If you fuckers really cared you wouldnt eat dairy products either.

The group that pisses me off the most is the one that consumes fish!In fact,I don't know their name and I don't care to find out either because you pathetic idiots don't deserve a name.You should be labelled 'hypocritical cretins' actually for the ridiculous morals you preach,yet you make exceptions whenever you feel like it.God,what a waste of sperm you all are.

I bet some of you are wondering "what about the vegans?They don't eat any animal products at all" Good for them.But you know what?I hate them too,actually.They don't want to harm God's precious creatures,oh no,they can't do that because its 'such a disgraceful act of cruelty'.I bet you weren't thinking about the slaughtering of God's creatures when you were purchasing your leather shoes though were you?Or when they were cutting down millions of trees in the Amazon Rainforest to supply your home with furniture?

Here is an extract I found on a pro-vegetarian website:

Q: Is being a vegetarian healthy?
A: The truth is flesh foods are not required in the human diet,nor are they essental for proper nutrition. Not only can we "get along" without meat eating,but we can also as vegans/vegetarians improve our health,save money,put less strain on our planet's resources,and sit down to eat knowing that we minimized our praticipation in the needless suffering of our fellow creatures.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA less strain on the planets resources???What power are you using within your household eh?I hope you all have fucking wind farms in your backgardens.Highly unlikely,I bet youre all using crude oil and gas too.Do you realise that the world needs to preserve it's raw materials?If you really cared you would be using solar power,selfish bastards.Oh and do you have cars???How are they powered?Healthy foods?Not in my book,now fuck off you irritating sacks of shit.



Writing about these academically challenged imbeciles has really put me in a foul mood now.I am sat here quivering with anger.Will somebody teach these mental defects a lesson?I won't,infact I don't even want to be in a room with them.I would rather shave my arse with a cheese grater.You meatheads. (no pun intended)

On that cheerful note,I am going to eat a big juicy steak now,I will cook it on my gas powered stove and I will also make a one-off trip to my local farm (which is 200km away) to slaughter some chickens,in your honour,you bastards.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

The Seven Wonders of the World

Do you ever find yourself pondering upon nature's darkest secrets?Have your ongoing conjectures finally taken their toll? Do the myths of this universe force you into a state of awe?Would you FINALLY like all of the answers you have been waiting for?Yes?...Go and read an encyclopedia then, you inquisitive twats.

Instead of supplying you with the answers you have been waiting for,I have compiled my own list of 7 things that bewilder me:


White dog shit.Now ladies and gentleman,this I believe is one of the most asked questions throughout the world.This Satanic excrement has intrigued and perplexed me for a number of years,actually.How can a perfectly normal,brown piece of turd morph into a rigid stack of white chalk?To make matters 10 times worse,this sublime 'mass',has disappeared.It does not exist anymore.I have roamed many streets anxiously hoping to sight the genius invention which once was the white dog shit.Where has it gone?Oh,the nostalgia.

The plural of penis.Despite the fact that I am probably unique in wondering about this,it is quite a legitimate question in my opinion and I will explain why.For years I have sat in my English class just DYING to know the answer.But with fear of being labelled ''a fucking pervert'' I decided to postpone it,thus,prolonging my apprehension.It isn't even in the dictionary is it?I even wrote to the wankers at Collins (c) expressing my disappointment at their products.Anyway,my query is: Is the plural of penis peni,penes or penises?Thank you.

Sexual intercourse between hedgehogs.I have spent countless nights on google,typing in the search queries:hedgehog sex,sexual intercourse hedgehogs,prickly sex...etc and to my utter dismay,nothing was found.I don't even have my own theory for this one,my head is brimming with questions and suggestions as to how hedgehogs mate.Do they get prickled??????????Of course they fucking do,this is THE only drawback.Or is it?Maybe they like the pain?Are hedgehogs firm followers of sadomasochism?Maybe it's the official religion of the hedgehog world?God knows. Their God that is,the one with the bondage materials at hand.

Existence of the French.Why???????????????????????????????????????????????

The Rubik Cube.Can this thing be completed??I passed many hours fiddling with this fucking thing.I hate it,I probably have it somewhere actually,still incomplete.It is a real test of patience,I believe that even the Pope would repeatedly stamp on it trying to destroy the bastard,like i did.In the end I just peeled off the coloured stickers and stuck them on in the right places in order to complete it successfully.Happy now Mr Rubik?You twat.

The fat lady.When will the obese bitch sing?Why is it over when she sings and not when she talks?Maybe she is incapable of talking.Does she sing in a queue at McDonalds?Has she already sang?How dare she dictate when something has come to an end?Who the fuck does she think she is?Stupid whore.

The Chinese.How many Chinese babies have been born since I started writing this post?My guess is about 25,000 per acre.And how many household appliances have they already produced and packaged ready for worlwide shipping?Come to think of it,why is everything made in China?Probably because the idiots hog the world's natural materials.Whilst I am ranting let's blame the fuckers for global warming too.

Disclaimer:Unless you were born 'a bit of a mong', you may have realised already that this blog has been created entirely for our amusement and isn’t always as factually correct...We aim to please and offend.If you don't like it,read the BBC.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

GRAND OPENING

Episode 1

KIRI
hmmmm i should start a blog
KIRI
but i wouldnt know what to write about
Morpheus
say shit
Morpheus
works with me
KIRI
about mongs?
Morpheus
for instance
KIRI
we should conduct an experiment....for example: we should measure the amount of slobber that 100 mongs produce,compare results and take the mean average or something like that
KIRI
and then publish our findings and evaluation on your blog
Morpheus
slobber is the drooling stuff?
KIRI
yes
KIRI
hahahahaha
Morpheus
great idea!
Morpheus
some dont slob though :(
Morpheus
assholes... thinking they are normal or smth
Morpheus
someone should teach those fucks a lesson
KIRI
hmmm,they all make sounds though
Morpheus
yeah
KIRI
i suppose we could measure the decibels of the sounds that they emit
Morpheus
yeah
Morpheus
and a subjective scale
Morpheus
how disgusted or much will to puke they elicitate on the ones surrounding
KIRI
hahahahahahaha
KIRI
it would be fun.....however i dont know where we will be able to find such a large quantity of mongs
KIRI
maybe france
KIRI
hahahahahahahaha
Morpheus
probably
Morpheus
when they run out of snails they cut soem mong lips... its the same coz its used to drool
KIRI
hahahahaah
KIRI
hmm do you prefer mongs or spastics?
Morpheus
whats that?
KIRI
you dont know?.....well a mong is someone with downs sindrome and a spastic is someone with spastic paralysis
KIRI
hmm they suffer involuntary jerking movements....muscular contractions....like a spasm
Morpheus
yes!!!!!!!
Morpheus
me and a friend even made some videos imitating them
KIRI
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Morpheus
its fun
KIRI
hmm my friend used to do a superb impression of hmm what the fuck is his name...i forgot
Morpheus
stephen hawking?
KIRI
YES!
KIRI
him
KIRI
it was fucking funny
KIRI
he used to sit in his chair at the front of the class....and he would move around the class,jerking violently in his chair pulling stupid faces
Morpheus
lol
Morpheus
that sounds something id do
KIRI
yes hahahaha i can imagine, our maths teacher had to laugh too because it was so funny
Morpheus
my maths teacher wouldnt laugh
Morpheus
hahaha
Morpheus
fucking whore
Morpheus
i wish i could rape her
Morpheus
(but hey! with another guy's dick)
Morpheus
gross
KIRI
hahahahaha do it
Morpheus
lol
Morpheus
i feel like publishing this in my blog
KIRI
publishing what?
Morpheus
this talk
Morpheus
part of it
KIRI
do it